Tears

I actually don't cry very often. Most of the time when my emotions are being tugged, I'll just get a little teary eyed, but it hardly ever develops into full blown crying. Maybe I like to think of myself as a rugged stoic who can handle anything. Besides that being a delusion, resistance to crying is unhealthy. Having a good cry now and then releases stress and gives your body and mind a good cleansing. So I'm glad that I had a good cry last night. It felt sort of liberating.

I'm not exactly sure why I cried for so long and so hard last night, but I do know what triggered it: Tom Waits. Yes, crazy old Tom Waits. I have recently been obsessing over this man who's entire aura has completely captivated me to the point where I can't believe that he is just a mere human. So I was scrounging around the internet yesterday trying to find some more songs to hear by him (I had just bought my first Waits album) and I came across a blog entry where some art student had uploaded some Waits ballads. I downloaded them all, and I put them on my iPod. Then I started listening to them to try and lull myself to sleep.

It was working very well. I was feeling comforted by the lilting strings, the warm piano, and that unmistakable rumbly voice. And I thought, I'll listen to "I'm Still Here" one last time before I fall asleep. So I went back and started that song again. The simple but achingly beautiful piano line began and I knew something was different......I was feeling very emotional all of a sudden. A few moments went by, then Tom's voice entered. All it took was that gruff, sincere growl to say "You haven't looked that way at me in years" across the piano melody and I completely lost it. The tears shot out with no warning and I was hit by an atomic bomb made of pure emotion.

I pictured all the sad things in my life, all the beautiful memories that I carry with me, all the experiences that I've had just being alive. Everything was flashing in a green and gold haze and I just cried and cried and cried. I saw all the homeless people in Memphis. I saw all my best friends and the great times we've had. I felt the beauty of just staring up through the trees. I relived all the deaths of my pets. I remembered the thrill of change. I recalled the exhilaration of love and belonging and the crushing sadness of rejection and loss. I experienced the confusion and joy of simply existing.

After twenty minutes, I calmed down. I was done. This unexptected burst of internal passion died away, and with the settling of the dust I felt light and relieved. I was content and calm. So I stretched out in bed and imagined a glittering staircase wandering away from my window, gliding down to the lake outside. I pictured myself walking down there in the moonlight and then floating up into the stars. Up, up, up I went, until there was nothing.......only dark.

I fell asleep.